Friday, February 22, 2013

Surviving the Boring Parts of the Oscars

I'm a sucker for a good awards show: the stars, the gowns, the jewels, the list of this year's nominated films of which I've seen approximately none so far...

While I'm hopeful host Seth MacFarlane will bring plenty of funny to keep us all engaged, historically-speaking, you can bet there will be many Zone-Out-Worthy moments to this annual Hollywood spectacle. Because even Meryl Streep wouldn't be able to act interested for that many hours of watching overinflated egos congratulate one another.



Lest we all fall asleep and miss the one part where something noteworthy happens, here's ways to keep the mind active during the following:

RIDICULOUSLY LONG ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES
Go ahead and compose your own acceptance speech in your head. Picture yourself up on that stage accepting accolades and how you would handle it way better than these people. Aim for funny but sincere. Avoid anything involving political rants, declaring you're king or queen of the world, startling the presenter with a dramatic kiss, and scattered, rambling revelations about sexual preferences. Yeah, so pretty much any of the other speeches you've ever heard on any award show.

Ponder whether it would be better to hit the ground running by thanking your husband first vs. saving him for "last, but most importantly." Or should that spot be reserved for the dog? After all, the dog does seem a little more excited to see you when you get home than your husband does. However, the dog is not of much use in the Taking Out the Trash or Chauffeuring the Car Pool Department.
Decisions, decisions.

THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF ACCOUNTANTS
Like we give a crap which firm of Adam Up and Cecile N. Briefcase tabulated the results. This is a good time to google movie terminology you may have always wondered about. Like, what exactly is a "gaffer?" How about a "key grip?" What makes him so critical to film-making, what makes him different from a regular grip, and just how many freakin' grips are needed per film?

If you have extra time, see if you can find out why there isn't there a Best Award for Best Boy. You mean to tell me there isn't a Best Boy who is the absolute best at being Best Boy? He should totally be acknowledged on stage. And it's 2013, yet we're still labeling by gender? A female can apparently be the Best Boy on a film crew, yet there is no official title of Best Girl. Does the union know about this? What happened to the ERA?

IN MEMORIAM
Don't get me wrong, some of this is good TV. You might find yourself lamenting, "Oh, the inimitable Nora Ephron...such a loss," but you'll probably spend the rest of the time saying things like, "No! He died? When?" or "Wait, I thought she already died about five years ago" followed by a lot of "Who is that?" and "What movie was she from?" Keep a tally and have fun comparing it to the number of old-timers you see walk onto the stage later in the broadcast....whereas you conversely find yourself saying, "Whoa, he's still alive? He's gotta be about 120."

MUSICAL/DANCE NUMBERS
Rarely Oscar's finest moment. Use this time to focus on what you would wear, you know, for the year that you are  nominated   invited  er, not watching at home in your pajamas. Would you go with simple, elegant, and classic black? Hmm, black can sometimes kind of wash you out to the point of looking vampire-like though. Maybe a muted neutral?

Reflect upon which gowns you saw during the pre-show arrivals that you might be able to pull off.........You know, if you had a boob lift. Plus lots of Botox. And a personal trainer. And you actually had the energy to do what the personal trainer said daily. Then vow to devote the rest of the year to concentrating on how to walk gracefully in those ridiculously high heels...with emphasis on the elusive gracefully.

If all else fails and you do find yourself bored out of your mind during the telecast, maybe nodding off wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. The Oscar statuette appears to have his eyes closed anyway. Even he couldn't stay awake.

Actual Length of Oscar Telecast:  supposedly 3 hours...hahaha haaaaaaa
Actual Length of Boring Parts:  2 hours and 57 mins 
Real Feel:  8 hours, especially if you watched the Red Carpet coverage
Chance We'll Tune in Next Year Despite Boring Parts: 100%

HOW ABOUT YOU? Do you plan to watch the Oscars?

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