America is hosting its annual birthday party in the sky, and you're invited. Because who doesn't love watching things explode amid thunderous pandemonium? Well, your preschooler, and also, your dog, who has spent the past three nights frantically pacing and barking each time a neighborhood pyromaniac sets bottle rockets off between 12 and 4 AM.
But hey, the rest of the family seems eager to witness tonight's government-approved detonation of gunpowder. On any other day of the year, it's generally frowned upon to blow things up. Whereas tonight, you get to cheer while being simultaneously feasted upon by mosquitoes.
But hey, the rest of the family seems eager to witness tonight's government-approved detonation of gunpowder. On any other day of the year, it's generally frowned upon to blow things up. Whereas tonight, you get to cheer while being simultaneously feasted upon by mosquitoes.
Begin the process of rounding up the offspring a good two hours before the fireworks start to allow travel time to the town 10 minutes away. Remind everyone to use the bathroom at home as there will only be bacteria-breeding booths of filth to relieve oneself at the field.
Locate the blanket, chairs, bug spray and other assorted items you need. Remind everyone to use the bathroom. Pack the car. Remind everyone to use the bathroom. Get into the car. Ask if everyone remembered to use the bathroom, and escort the one who forgot back into the house.
Locate the blanket, chairs, bug spray and other assorted items you need. Remind everyone to use the bathroom. Pack the car. Remind everyone to use the bathroom. Get into the car. Ask if everyone remembered to use the bathroom, and escort the one who forgot back into the house.
You're on your way. Sort of. If you count moving about one tenth of a mile per 15 minutes in traffic as making progress.
While you lug all of your stuff from the car to the field a mile away, wonder if you made the wrong choice having a dog as a pet. What you really should've adopted is a mule. The dog's currently at home relaxing in the A/C, whereas a mule could be here to transport your stuff and maybe even give the kids a ride through the muggy streets of suburbia. Wonder why more mules aren't being implemented for this purpose. Oh, that's right. Too big and smelly to fit in a minivan. Decide to put your billion-dollar Rent-a-Mule business plan on hold.
Pay the "optional" donation to enter the park. It's so crowded you can smell other people's bug repellent. Realize you left yours in the car. Hear the mosquitoes snicker with delight.
Recall how difficult it is to keep an eye on the kids outside during the day, and how now you get to attempt it in the dark. Justify the purchase of overpriced glow stick necklaces to help spot your children....you know, among the 517,298 other neon rings of light jumping around.
Pay the "optional" donation to enter the park. It's so crowded you can smell other people's bug repellent. Realize you left yours in the car. Hear the mosquitoes snicker with delight.
Recall how difficult it is to keep an eye on the kids outside during the day, and how now you get to attempt it in the dark. Justify the purchase of overpriced glow stick necklaces to help spot your children....you know, among the 517,298 other neon rings of light jumping around.
Sit and wait. Wait some more. It's almost 9, but not quite dark enough. You keep thinking you feel something crawling on you. As a result, you make sudden spastic swatting motions repeatedly. Your husband shakes his head.
Your son asks to play with a fireworks app. There's no point in going into your usual lecture about experiencing life for real instead of on a small screen, blah blah blah. At least when he uses the app, he stays on the blanket where you can see him...or a shadowy form that resembles him anyway.
Your son asks to play with a fireworks app. There's no point in going into your usual lecture about experiencing life for real instead of on a small screen, blah blah blah. At least when he uses the app, he stays on the blanket where you can see him...or a shadowy form that resembles him anyway.
You can hear fireworks already going off in a nearby town. Watch everyone crane their necks to get a glimpse over the trees. It always seems the other towns are doing it better.
Finally, a single firework is launched where you are. Ooh. Ahh. A second and a third go up, separately of course, because this painfully slow, one-at-time thing will continue until the finale.
There's that tickle on your arm again. Smack it multiple times, but secretly hope you missed because the thought of smeared insect carcass on your skin freaks you out more than a possible bite.
After approximately four fireworks, there's a lackluster ground display. This one's a red, white and blue.......uh, flower? Patriotic pinwheel maybe? Uncle Sam's hat tumbling through the breeze? Rotating satellite dish atop an octopus?
People become obsessed with commentary over color and form. Suddenly, it's okay to publicly shout a preference for cascading comet tails that whistle. When a dud goes off, the crowd actually boos its disapproval....as if the people launching it care or will make a note for next year.
Within 15 minutes, the last twinkle of the anti-climatic finale dissipates, and you try to avoid getting trampled as you exit in the gunpowder-induced smog.
The mosquitoes recline on their chaise lounges, patting their bellies, full and fat.
There's that tickle on your arm again. Smack it multiple times, but secretly hope you missed because the thought of smeared insect carcass on your skin freaks you out more than a possible bite.
After approximately four fireworks, there's a lackluster ground display. This one's a red, white and blue.......uh, flower? Patriotic pinwheel maybe? Uncle Sam's hat tumbling through the breeze? Rotating satellite dish atop an octopus?
People become obsessed with commentary over color and form. Suddenly, it's okay to publicly shout a preference for cascading comet tails that whistle. When a dud goes off, the crowd actually boos its disapproval....as if the people launching it care or will make a note for next year.
Within 15 minutes, the last twinkle of the anti-climatic finale dissipates, and you try to avoid getting trampled as you exit in the gunpowder-induced smog.
The mosquitoes recline on their chaise lounges, patting their bellies, full and fat.
Actual Time Spent Watching Fireworks: 15 minutes
Time Spent Traveling to and from Local Fireworks: 2 hours
Real Feel: 4 hours
Number of Mosquito Bites You Incurred: 47
Number of Mosquito Bites Your Husband Incurred: .05 (He smacked it dead mid-bite).
TALK TO ME: How's the fireworks show where you are? Do mosquitoes find you as delicious as they find me?
Number of Mosquito Bites You Incurred: 47
Number of Mosquito Bites Your Husband Incurred: .05 (He smacked it dead mid-bite).
TALK TO ME: How's the fireworks show where you are? Do mosquitoes find you as delicious as they find me?
Mosquitos love love LOVE me. I get eaten alive from May to September. I do love fireworks though!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya, Allie. Whatever pheromones attract mosquitoes, I have a several million of them.
DeleteI also do love fireworks, even if it is only 15-20 minutes of enjoyment vs. dealing with 2 hours worth of traffic.
LOVE the picture of the mosquito. You captured it perfectly. 47 seems a realistic estimate.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle. I must admit it was with great trepidation I even attempted drawing an insect as even in cartoon form they still scare me.
DeleteI love fireworks and hate mosquitos...I'm your newest follower btw, I find your blog hilarious and so true! Happy 4th!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Amber....and welcome! Glad to have you here. Hope your 4th was a good one, too (and that the mosquitoes left you alone).
DeleteI'm so jealous of my husband, he never gets bit by mosquitos while I'm stuck scratching every inch of me this morning. I have to say though, the fireworks in my town are a bit of a hit and miss. Last night wasn't too bad, but compared to the fireworks my uncle had set off earlier, they were fantastic.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you were eaten alive last night, Felicia. It does seem like mosquitoes aim right for the ladies, doesn't it? Maybe they prefer our softer skin...easier to puncture!
DeleteWe are a no fireworks zone at the moment. Drought and stuff. I say, A-MEN. I have no interest in mingling with the crowds with my three-under-five set. The seven year old would be allowed to come, but then, as you say, there's an app for that.
ReplyDeleteLOL Nicole. Sounds like the drought worked in your favor for sure. Added bonus with the fireworks app is it's mosquito-free (although there actually IS a separate app where you can swat and smash bugs....lovely).
DeleteAck! You are right--we so should have gone with the mule over the chocolate lab...
ReplyDeleteOh good, maybe there is some demand for my get rich quick with Rent A Mule business scheme.
DeleteFYI, I have a Lab, too. He's yellow, but since he's just turned 1 year old, not-so-mellow yet. Labs are great. Actually, my new post is about him and how good he has it around here ;)