Tuesday, July 10, 2012

DOG: Best Friend or Master of Time Manipulation?

You've probably heard from someone somewhere that one human year is like seven years to a dog. I'm not sure what the dog hours vs. human hours per day breakdown is as I've stated before how math is not exactly my forte. One thing I do know? My dog's daily time management skills put me to shame.

Rest assured this is not one of those sappy posts about how we should take a cue from dogs and spend more time frolicking in the fresh air or all that other sunshine and rainbows stuff. I'm talking about my dog's uncanny ability to manipulate his family and environment to his liking, spend every minute doing whatever he pleases, make repeated mistakes and still be worshipped.

Nice work if you can get it, right?

I can only imagine starting my day with all of the kids (even the teenager) jumping up in excitement when I come downstairs. They'd race over to pet me and praise me...instead of, you know, only looking up from the Xbox long enough to demand waffles.

Bet you can't picture a son saying this amid a shower of hugs and kisses...or even in front of his friends: "Come here, Mom! Aw, what a good mom, such a good mom. And cute, too, yeah, look how cute you are! You're the best mom in the whole wide world. And I love you, yes I do."

But for our dog? Every. Single. Day.

The kids might even fight over who gets to pet me first. All of this just because I entered the room! Imagine if I did something actually involving work, like preparing their meals. Or doing their laundry. Or transporting them to and from their 5,000 activities, for which I have been thanked and/or appreciated -5,000 times currently...with not so much as a pat on the head.

And speaking of meals, if I'm a dog, I'm not cooking...nor do I have to clean up. That frees up eons of time right there. Someone will just set down a bowl of something I find delicious (which for my yellow Labrador, is pretty much everything including, but not limited to, hardwoods).  Plus, my dog can eat whatever he wants and never have to worry about fitting into a pair of jeans, or worse, a swimsuit.

There's also no getting dressed, nor struggling with hair or make-up or any daily beauty regimen in general. I'd just look fabulous and be forever comfortable in my own fur. Added Bonus: Even if I did happen upon my reflection in a mirror, I'd just think it was another dog.

I'd spend the day lounging around, napping wherever the sun patch relocates. I could plop down for 40 winks right on the floor whenever the mood struck, and it wouldn't bother me at all to be next to a dust bunny (ahem, not that we ever have those at our house, of course, cough, cough).

If the floor did need cleaning? I'd just play the I'm Terrified of the Vacuum card.

Since dog vision isn't the best, I also wouldn't be distracted by all the home improvement projects that need to be started (or in some cases, finished). And no more losing an hour getting sucked into HGTV.....I'd be basically colorblind, so those transformation shows probably wouldn't hold my interest (or envy).

As a dog, I could also mark my territory or use a simple bark or growl to say, "My iPad, MINE. Go play your video games on a different device. I need to check my Twitter feed." 

Even during errands, I could make better use of my time. If I need to reach something on a ridiculously high shelf at the store...there's no waiting for an employee's assistance. I could just jump and clumsily knock it (along with 15 other boxes of brownie mix) off the shelf. And if the shelf gets scratched up and damaged? So what? I'm a dog. I don't know any better, even if you did repeatedly reprimand me for the same thing on multiple occasions.

The couch my dog mistook for one of his eleventy billion chew toys? Filed under "oops," forgiven and forgotten.

Besides, if you choose to discipline me, all I have to do is look at you with my soulful, well-meaning doggie eyes. They'd be my greatest weapon. If I could master the expression my dog has when he begs, I'd need never nag again.

Kids' socks on the floor? One pathetic glance and all clothes go into the hamper and toys get put back where they belong. Throw in a cute little yawn, and the kids might even go straight upstairs, brush their teeth and get into bed on their own...the first time I ask. 

Not that I would care what time they got to bed if I were a dog. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't think or worry about much of anything. There would be no racing against the clock because I wouldn't know how to tell time....or look ahead to the future. I can honestly say my dog has never lost sleep over how he's going to put our kids through college (if only they did accept shed fur as tuition payment...the kids could all even go on to grad school). He's also not going to develop the ulcers or high blood pressure with which I'm probably destined to become afflicted.

You know what? The more I write this, the more annoyed I feel about how easy my dog has it....and how I'm clearly such a sucker for his nonsense. Now that I'm onto him, I need to stop playing the fool and giving into whatever he wants.

And I will.

Effective immediately.

Or maybe right after I throw this tennis ball....because you know, he just dropped it into my lap and tilted his head with those pleading eyes and that cute little wrinkle he gets across his brow.

TALK TO ME:  Do you ever find yourself allowing your pets to get away with something based on their Cuteness Factor alone?



12 comments:

  1. Basically, I will now spend the rest of my day being jealous of my dog and wishing I was a canine. Amazing perspective to start my day with...;)

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    1. I was hoping fellow Lab owners could relate! Thanks, Meredith.

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  2. The only reason Rylie has lasted this long is because she is so darn cute! She is so spoiled and has anything a dog could need... and she'd rather eat our stuff. We just got a brand new patio set last week and she already ate a cushion from it!

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    1. Oh no, not the new cushion! I feel your pain, Allie.

      That night he chewed the upholstered corner off our living room couch (down to where you could see the frame underneath!), you probably could've heard me losing it many states away.

      Of course, an hour later I was cuddling him on my lap in front of the TV...

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  3. I only have a cat, but when I have to drag myself out of the house on cold, dark winter mornings, I look with pure envy at her laying all snuggled in the blankets. And I want to shoot her.

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    1. I grew up with both cats & dogs, so I can totally picture that. Sometimes the superior look the cat gives you adds to it...He knows darn well he's got the good life while you're stuck dashing out the door ;) Again, their cuteness factor makes it hard to stay mad though.

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  4. Reason number 212,795 why we are never getting a dog. I knew they had it good but not THIS good.

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    1. Okay, then I recommend NEVER looking one directly in the soulful eyes...especially if he's adorable and gives you a pleading Take Me Home Look. Dogs' powers of persuasion are very hard to resist, I tell you...

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  5. I feel your pain about the chewing! Our lab/terrier mix went through lots of things when she was growing up. She still does and she's four! She ate a few cell phones, a couple chargers, the leg of a coffee table, the steering shifter in our car, and a phone cord...to name a few. :-) But she's still here becasue she's so freaking cute and I cannot resist...

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    1. Uh-oh, Amber...you're scaring me. I keep telling myself the dog will outgrow the chewing thing now that he's a year old. Please don't deny me this delusion ;)

      Hmm, part Lab and part Terrier? I have a feeling I know which breed gave her the chewing gene. And yikes...your car shift couldn't have been cheap to fix! She must be extra cute for sure.

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  6. More than my kids. If the dogs could come to Target, I'd let them get one of everything form the Dollar Spot, not just one thing like my poor, beleaguered, not nearly as puppy-loved kids.

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    1. And you know what, Nicole? I bet those dogs would NEVER roll their eyes at you. Or ask you not to hug them in public nor wave to them in front of their friends.

      So, I'd say those loyal dogs deserve every single treat! Bring them to Target pronto...

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