Tuesday, May 15, 2012

SHE VS. HIM: Ready, Set...Nope, Still Stuck on the Getting Ready Part

You wake up, stretch, and smile, embracing the new day.....Yeah right, and little birds help you get dressed while you whistle a merry tune, too. It's more like you begrudgingly drag your sorry, tired self out of your warm, comfy bed and hope you don't misjudge the door frame like you did that one time when you really whacked your shoulder (the expletives used would've given those little birds a coronary). 

Actually it's not just the getting up, it's the whole process involved in getting ready in the morning that you find challenging. Whether you're male or female, you somehow need to make the transformation from Puffy-Eyed Bed Head Creature to Human Who Is Presentable Enough to Appear in Public. The difference between the genders is in how you get the job done.......and of course, how long it takes you.


How SHE Gets Ready:
You stand zombie-like under the warm mist, waiting for the soap to kick in and make you as alert and invigorated as the perky people in the Irish Spring commercials. No such luck.

While applying shampoo, you hear a bloodcurdling scream from one of your offspring downstairs. You've aren't too shaken by this common occurrence, although you had asked your eldest to please keep an eye on the younger siblings. As usual, his effectiveness is inversely proportionate to how engrossed he is in today's episode of Phineas & Ferb.

Continue to lather up through detecting a few more screams, followed by a crash, and then crying. Now you immediately have to throw on a towel and paddle dripping wet down the hall to investigate. Once you assure no sibling has caused himself, another sibling or the flat screen TV bodily harm, you return your shivering self to the shower.

Soon a small shadowy apparition appears behind the blurry glass. Your youngest has arrived to pepper your shower with the typical rapid-fire questions about what's taking so long, what's the pink thing you're using on your legs, why do you have to shave your legs, does Daddy shave his legs, why don't boys have to shave their legs, how old will she have to be to start shaving her own legs, how much longer till she is that age, and when are you going to be done. She almost distracts you enough from noticing yet another new varicose vein behind your knee.

Hear the toilet flush. Leap out of the stream before it zaps from Comfortable Temperature to Ice Glacier to Third Degree Burns in a mere quarter of a second. Daughter lectures that you really shouldn't be jumping in there because the bathroom is NOT a place to fool around or you could crack your skull. After the sting of hearing you quoted back to you subsides, bribe her to go choose a book with the promise you'll read to her when you're done.

No sooner have you applied conditioner than there is incessant banging. Thankfully, your older son is respectful enough not to barge into the bathroom. He will instead bellow unintelligible jargon from behind the closed door. You shout back how you can't understand him because the shower is too loud and ask if it could wait five minutes until you're done.

Apparently, it cannot wait because the door is now open several inches, just enough so that an icy cold gust of air assaults you. He reports he just saw the commercial he loves with the talking turtles. Also just in from the Breaking News Desk, he no longer wants the Star Wars LEGO he originally put on his birthday wish list as he has replaced it with a Harry Potter video game. Tell him you'll make a note of his request and to please shut the door. He does, but then pops it back open long enough to complain how he almost slipped because someone got water all over the floor in the hallway.

Once you've toweled off and applied moisturizers, struggle to pull on a stubborn pair of jeans. You just wore these a few days ago, but for some unknown reason, your stomach has bloated out as if you're three months pregnant. Your options are to suffer constricted all day long or find a different pair, which means you probably can't wear the top you'd chosen specifically because of how fabulous it looks with said jeans. Slip into the top and alternately squeeze yourself into the straight leg, the bootcut and even the pair of skinny ones knowing full well they'll be too painful. None of them are the right shade of denim anyway.

But wait, it's warm enough out where you could use the comfy capri jeans instead. Oh, but those shoes don't go with capris. Try a different style of shoe. Does the wedge make the capris too short? It's too early in the season for the thong sandals. Maybe the ballerina flats. No, those won't work because they're the ones that rub your bunions the wrong way, and you'll be on your feet too long today to bear it.

You'll also have to change the belt and some of the jewelry you had originally planned. Decide on a pleasing combination of accessories, but then develop the sinking feeling you may have worn this top with these capris the last time you saw the very same people you'll see today.  Remove the entire outfit just in case and start again. Repeat.

After plucking stray eyebrow hairs and applying various acne and wrinkle prevention products, decide that today doesn't warrant a "full" make-up session. Limit yourself to concealer to cover blemishes and minimize the Samsonite luggage under your eyes along with some mascara and lipstick. Try three different shades before you hit upon the one that coordinates best with the outfit without calling too much attention to the sallow, pasty glow of your complexion.

Your daughter returns requesting your follow through on the story promised, so you attempt to read while simultaneously detangling your hair. You have to hurry because there's a narrow window between when your hair is too wet vs. too dry to straighten and style. She shrewdly notices when you paraphrase the part about the pumpkin turning into a coach and the dog turning into the footman and makes you go back to reread it word-for-word.

Afterwards, battle your hair into behaving temporarily. It still looks awful. Try putting it up. Spend five full minutes twisting your hair into a casual bun, where loose tendrils are supposed to give it that carefree "I just grabbed a clip and effortlessly twirled this together in all of three seconds" look. Yours seems to say "I was attacked by bats."

Comb it back down into your usual nondescript style, and go out into the world looking like a haggard woman with Bed Head who can't be bothered with spending time on her appearance.

What Getting Ready Entails for HIM:
Take 10 minute, uninterrupted shower.
Shave.
Choose whatever shirt is on top of the "clean" pile.
Run fingers through hair.
WEEKEND OPTION:  Skip running fingers through hair and apply baseball cap.

Actual Time She Spends Getting Ready:  1 hour, 45 minutes 
How Long She Thinks It Takes Her:  35 minutes
How Long She Seems to Take as Witnessed by Him:  4 hours
His Simple Solution to Speed Her Along:  Lock the door while getting ready.
The Real Solution:  Let's face it, there isn't one. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

TALK TO ME:  How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Who takes the longest at your house?


22 comments:

  1. I can understand the allure of the talking turtles. Those Slowskys are fantastic!

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    1. I agree! Why Bill & Karolyn (spelled with K, of course) Slowsky are almost worth having a shower interrupted. Almost.

      By the way, did they ever agree on a name for the baby turtle? I believe that was the last new commercial where they couldn't decide.

      I fear I am now scaring everyone with the depths of my turtle commercial knowledge...

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  2. My routine seems to triple my husband's even without kids! It is only going to get worse I see :P

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    1. I still had the same problem when newly married, Allie. Yes, kids do add to it, but I must admit I took forever getting ready even back in high school, where my brother would be freaking out that we were going to miss the bus! He couldn't understand what was taking so long when I got up way EARLIER than he did. Guys just are fortunate to have less to do!

      Thanks for commenting :)

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  3. At least when you hear yourself echoed back you know the child has actually heard you! The shock of how it sounds? Well, I try to let it be a reminder to always speak with respect...that golden rule never takes a break!

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    1. Good point! Yes, most of the time when I hear myself quoted I am relieved that they heard me and/or are heeding safety advice, etc. It's just always startling to catch exact phrasing that sticks in their minds to the point of mimicry, whereas some of the other stuff you've actually WANTED to drill into their brains doesn't!

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  4. Replies
    1. Glad you like it, and thank you for becoming a follower! It's nice to have you here...Welcome :)

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  5. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's children thought I was a captive audience when I was in the shower and that was the perfect time to ask me all sorts of rediculous questions about life or share their vast knowledge of the world.

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    1. Thanks, Ms. McBaffled (love your name & pic, by the way).

      I'm starting to learn the more insistence there is in telling me something mid-shower, the less important their topic actually is. It's an inverse proportion thing...but since math is NOT my strong suit, I listen to every single interruption regardless.

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  6. Your mistake was trying to put on jeans right after the shower. Never try to wrangle freshly showered legs into denim. It's just unnecessary torture.

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    1. Good point! Plus I get to blame wet skin instead of say, the Rice Krispie treat I ate right before bed the night before. I am so going with your theory from now on...thank you!

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    2. Wet skin + jeans = fail every time

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    3. Agreed...Every. Single. Time. I'm learning, McQuinn.

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  7. You were one of the most-clicked links at last week's #findingthefunny party. Featuring you tomorrow and pinning this. Thanks for linking up!

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    1. Wow, thanks so much for featuring me, Anna...I'm such a newbie at blogging and still learning how all this works. I only recently discovered Finding the Funny and have really been enjoying reading so many clever posts there. Thank you for hosting such a fun link up!

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  8. One tiny passive-aggressive move that will give you a little satisfaction ... the next time his majesty is in the bathroom taking his uninterrupted respite, send in one of the kids to stink up the space and then flush the potty. It'll give you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside for at least a minute or two ... until someone bellows out that the cat puked on the rug again.

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    1. I like the way you think, ODNT! My luck it would backfire with said kid making a huge mess out of said bathroom, forcing me to have to clean the area I hate cleaning the most. AGAIN.

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  9. Ack! So, so true! And absolutely snorted over Phineas and Ferb! Is it bad that I actually find the "104 days of summer vacay" jingle soothing b/c it usually scores me at least 3.5 min. of peaceful showering?! Plus, it's catchy ;)

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    1. It's not bad at all, Meredith. Actually, weren't cartoons invented so moms could get stuff done?

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  10. This post CRACKED. ME. UP! This is sooo true! Thanks for the giggle!

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    1. Glad to hear it! Thanks for stopping by, Amber.

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