There comes a time when even the best of relationships is put to the test. You just never thought it would happen to the two of you after devoting so much time to each other day after day. But one morning (aka last Thursday), you greet your beloved computer only to find the Blue Screen of Death or some other such error where it can't boot up or function in any capacity. Your stuff is pretty much toast, so you're understandably paralyzed with grief.
Most therapists say a good way to heal from loss is to write your thoughts down in a letter. So I took pen in hand each day until I was back up and running this week. (By the way, for those of you under age 25, pens are these stick-like tubes filled with ink once used for correspondence before they invented the QUERTY keyboard. Some pens even clicked!)
Also, please note names have been changed. It would be wrong to cite a particular brand or in any way purposely reveal the faulty computer's parent company.
DAY ONE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dearest Dill Computer,
Why did you suddenly break off our relationship like this? I thought we were happy. I input stuff, you compute and store it = bliss. I've tried everything to get you back. I've hit Control Alt Delete multiple times. I've shut you down, unplugged and restarted you. I've visited the Dill support forums via another device (and no, that is NOT the equivalent of cheating on you while you're in some kind of coma...or worse, on your death bed).
I refuse to believe you're gone...not now, not this night, and certainly not while you still currently house a good 10,000 of my photos including the kids' births. And what about my saved emails? My bookmarks to various sites? My Photoshop software. My Pinterest "Pinmarklet" browser button! If you had to go down, did you have to take all of them with you?
I'm going to unplug you overnight and hope tomorrow you'll be back. I will not lose faith in you!
All My Love,
DAY TWO * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Maybe you've forgotten I have a website I need to keep updated. I have online responsibilities. I've got an audience. I can't let down the whole three people who read this blog! I also can't type HTML on my mobile devices. Yeah, yeah, there's probably an app for that, but I hadn't gotten around to researching one well enough yet....because I wasn't planning on creating blog posts on anyone but you. That's how loyal I was. And THIS is how you repay me?
I can't eat. I can't sleep. Everything reminds me of you. So please.....restart already!
Still yours (cause I kinda have no choice),
DAY THREE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Wait a minute...What does any of that terminology even mean? Who writes that stuff? Is it even English? Why don't you phrase errors so the average person knows what the freak is wrong and can possibly attempt to fix it?
Until just now, I didn't realize how much crap I was putting up with or just how faulty you are even when you do work.
On my last nerve here,
DAY FOUR * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
You Dumb Dill-headed Dork of a PC,
You know what? Good riddance! I'm going to go out and find a better computer, one that's reliable, one with errors that at least make sense. You think you're so special? You're all, "Oh, I'm this amazing big flat box that layers windows on a screen. Everybody wants to read and type on me." Like that's something so original. Like that's not something everyone and their brother can do without you. Okay, well, I really don't know how to do it, but still.......You think there aren't 50 other computers interested in working with me, other companies just waiting to dig deep into my shallow pockets? I've got options, you know. Big, juicy options. Yeah, that's right......I'm talking FRUIT. You know the kind. Rhymes with Mapple and/or Nac.
So go ahead and never come back to life. I'll just blow right through what little we had saved for the kids' college years, extract all my personal stuff from your hard drive and transfer it to the new one. Sure, it will take me months of time I don't have. But I still win in the end because at least I will rid myself of YOU, whom I have probably on some level always despised. So, forget you and the motherboard who birthed you!
Vowing to never interface with you again,
DAY FIVE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hey Dill, old buddy and PC pal~
Remember all that babble about not wanting to work with you anymore? Haha, funny story. See, I didn't realize it was something as simple as your power supply overheating. I also didn't realize I'd only have to shell out $68 to replace it, as opposed to trying to come up with the $$$$ for a new computer.
Sooooooo......we're still good, right?
Actual Time Spent without Working PC: 134 hours
Real Feel: Four score and seven years
Chance PC Errors Will Pop Up in Next 24 Hours: 100%
Likelihood Computer Knows the Horrible Things I Said and Secretly Plots Revenge: Very
TALK TO ME: Which do you think is better....Mac or PC? I obviously may be in the market for one or the other sooner than I'd like and would appreciate your feedback!