Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Computer, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

There comes a time when even the best of relationships is put to the test. You just never thought it would happen to the two of you after devoting so much time to each other day after day. But one morning (aka last Thursday), you greet your beloved computer only to find the Blue Screen of Death or some other such error where it can't boot up or function in any capacity. Your stuff is pretty much toast, so you're understandably paralyzed with grief.

Most therapists say a good way to heal from loss is to write your thoughts down in a letter. So I took pen in hand each day until I was back up and running this week. (By the way, for those of you under age 25, pens are these stick-like tubes filled with ink once used for correspondence before they invented the QUERTY keyboard. Some pens even clicked!)

Also, please note names have been changed. It would be wrong to cite a particular brand or in any way purposely reveal the faulty computer's parent company.

DAY ONE     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *  

Dearest Dill Computer,

Why did you suddenly break off our relationship like this? I thought we were happy. I input stuff, you compute and store it = bliss. I've tried everything to get you back. I've hit Control Alt Delete multiple times. I've shut you down, unplugged and restarted you. I've visited the Dill support forums via another device (and no, that is NOT the equivalent of cheating on you while you're in some kind of coma...or worse, on your death bed).

I refuse to believe you're gone...not now, not this night, and certainly not while you still currently house a good 10,000 of my photos including the kids' births. And what about my saved emails? My bookmarks to various sites? My Photoshop software. My Pinterest "Pinmarklet" browser button! If you had to go down, did you have to take all of them with you?

I'm going to unplug you overnight and hope tomorrow you'll be back. I will not lose faith in you!

All My Love,

DAY TWO    *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *  

Dear Dill,

Maybe you've forgotten I have a website I need to keep updated. I have online responsibilities. I've got an audience. I can't let down the whole three people who read this blog!  I also can't type HTML on my mobile devices. Yeah, yeah, there's probably an app for that, but I hadn't gotten around to researching one well enough yet....because I wasn't planning on creating blog posts on anyone but you. That's how loyal I was. And THIS is how you repay me? 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. Everything reminds me of you. So please.....restart already!

Still yours (cause I kinda have no choice),

DAY THREE     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     


I'm trying to be patient and understanding. Sure there were signs you were ill. That whole weird situation with the SVChost whereas the referenced memory could not be read. That crazy javascript void. The time you told me a fatal exception error had occurred, and I needed to terminate the current application. Those inconvenient notes from the web browser, typically when I was right in the middle of something important, where it suddenly encountered a problem and needed to close. Or how about when my program was accused of performing an illegal operation and would consequently be shut down? And of course, the repeated difficulty loading assorted things like Windows\System32\suwajibo.dll whereas the specified module could not be found.

Wait a minute...What does any of that terminology even mean? Who writes that stuff? Is it even English? Why don't you phrase errors so the average person knows what the freak is wrong and can possibly attempt to fix it?

Until just now, I didn't realize how much crap I was putting up with or just how faulty you are even when you do work.

On my last nerve here,

DAY FOUR     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *  

You Dumb Dill-headed Dork of a PC,

You know what? Good riddance!  I'm going to go out and find a better computer, one that's reliable, one with errors that at least make sense. You think you're so special? You're all, "Oh, I'm this amazing big flat box that layers windows on a screen. Everybody wants to read and type on me." Like that's something so original. Like that's not something everyone and their brother can do without you. Okay, well, I really don't know how to do it, but still.......You think there aren't 50 other computers interested in working with me, other companies just waiting to dig deep into my shallow pockets? I've got options, you know. Big, juicy options. Yeah, that's right......I'm talking FRUIT. You know the kind. Rhymes with Mapple and/or Nac.

So go ahead and never come back to life. I'll just blow right through what little we had saved for the kids' college years, extract all my personal stuff from your hard drive and transfer it to the new one. Sure, it will take me months of time I don't have. But I still win in the end because at least I will rid myself of YOU, whom I have probably on some level always despised. So, forget you and the motherboard who birthed you!

Vowing to never interface with you again,

DAY FIVE     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *  

Hey Dill, old buddy and PC pal~

Remember all that babble about not wanting to work with you anymore? Haha, funny story. See, I didn't realize it was something as simple as your power supply overheating. I also didn't realize I'd only have to shell out $68 to replace it, as opposed to trying to come up with the $$$$ for a new computer.
Sooooooo......we're still good, right?

Your BFF,

Actual Time Spent without Working PC:  134 hours
Real Feel:  Four score and seven years
Chance PC Errors Will Pop Up in Next 24 Hours:  100%
Likelihood Computer Knows the Horrible Things I Said and Secretly Plots Revenge:  Very

TALK TO ME:  Which do you think is better....Mac or PC?  I obviously may be in the market for one or the other sooner than I'd like and would appreciate your feedback!


  1. To answer the question: PC!
    I can absolutely relate - I have had 3 laptops die on me. I've never had a desktop death because I always replace them before they have a chance to. But, I learned a while back that an external hard drive is a good investment. You can get software re-loaded, but once you lose your files and pictures, you are pretty much out of luck. So, I hope your computer will last a bit longer since you bought a replacement part. But, if you do buy a new computer, don't be afraid to go a little higher on the quality. It's worth paying a little more in the long run for a better system. -AG

  2. Totally agree, AG. We did spend a little extra last time and are definitely grateful it's lasted this many years.

    I have an external hard drive as well...because we almost lost all the photos & docs another time and had to pay someone to extract them all, file by file, from our damaged drive. Got back about 90%...Not fun and not cheap! After which I said, "Never again!" and bought the external right away.

    Still, even knowing all my important things are backed up, it's just such a huge pain to have the system down for days and not be able to access anything. And buying a new computer and switching everything over = even bigger hassle...not looking forward to it.

    Thanks again for your input. I'll put your vote in the PC column. So far, the score is PC 1 and Mac 0 ;)

  3. I wondered where you were! Both of my kids were sick with sinus/ear infections this week and I thought maybe I had missed you, when it turns out you were the one with the critical illness ( of the PC variety). Glad you are back online (and the boys are , too, kinda).
    Your pal,

    1. So sorry to hear things were going as well for you (or at least your boys)and not in a good way, Gib. I know how all consuming taking care of sick kids can be. Glad they're doing better and hope they're 100% soon!

  4. Found you through Finding the Funny and I love the premise of your blog. I switched to a Mac a few years ago because "they just work..." except when they don't. I don't have to worry about viruses, but my hard drive crashed with no warning and I still don't know how to do everything I need to do...it's just not super intuitive to me.

    But at least it doesn't give me errors like ths gem from my new work PC this week: "Provider could not perform the action since the context was acquired as silent." Thank god I realized this meant "turn on number lock, you moron" before calling IT because I couldn't log on.

    1. So glad you like the blog, Tracy! I'm new at this (as you can probably tell) and learning as I go.

      LOL at your interpretation of the PC error. Of course, now I am a bit crushed to learn that Mac computers fail, too. I've been putting the whole "fruit" concept on a pretty high pedestal b/c I like to delude myself into believing a perfect, error-free computer exists. Guess not, huh? haha

      Ps. Thanks for the Facebook like & Twitter follow, too :)

  5. Wow, I am the same boat as of Wednesday and I dont' even know what to do with myself! I've been using other computers but it's just not the same! And there's no hope for mine. iT's the Mothereffingboard. And now I too have to find a new computer and the one whose initials start with h and end with p will not grace my lap any longer. Any suggestions out there? Found you at finding the funny.

    1. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat! Isn't it just the most frustrating thing to have the computer down?

      I'm not sure what to advise as I'm still using this PC with the band-aid we stuck on it (aka the new power-supply). We're definitely leaning towards Mac, although see posts above as it may not be as flawless as I'd hoped it would be.

      By the way, I only recently discovered Finding the Funny...seems like a great place to read and connect with other bloggers. Thanks for stopping by!

  6. Found you via Finding the Funny...and this is SO funny. Dill should have been so much more understanding, as you said, you could't let down your audience of 3 ;) I have a feeling it's a lot more though--awesome blog!

    1. Thanks Meredith....and for following, too. Dill and I still argue quite a bit. We're considering counseling (as there's the children to think about....and their need to be on the thing 24/7), but I have a feeling computer/writer divorce is inevitable.

  7. My vote is PC but that's because that's all I've ever used. Change causes me to break into a cold sweat and rock in the corner.

    I'm so sorry Dill treated you so badly. Perhaps couples therapy would help?

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Sarcasm Goddess. I'm right there with you on taking issue with change (she said with a shudder). And I, too, have only used PC's. It's only out of pure desperation that I am even considering going "fruit."

      Dill's therapist said his performance issues are so deep-rooted from when he was a baby OS in 2004, it renders him incapable of being the computer I need him to be in 2012. Thus, our future together is looking grim.


One thing I'll always make time for:

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